I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
