masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
