If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
