Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
