My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
There was a lot of him and a little penis
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
