i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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