Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
