Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
