dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
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