Don't make out with my wife yet
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
