I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
