Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
