Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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