I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
