Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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