My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
