There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
How many fucks given?
0.12846
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
