Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
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about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
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I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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