Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
