The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
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I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
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These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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