clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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