i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
