How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
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