I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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