It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
