Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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