i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Randomize
