last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Come see our sink grown plant.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
