tell your sister to shave her snatch
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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