I heard we made out
Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I'm drive I can fine osifer
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
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