watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
