It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
