i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
