i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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