I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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