I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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