He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
