So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
