OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
