New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
