white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
