The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
