i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
