I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
