i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
