did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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