Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
