Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
