Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
