just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
