I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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