she was so not down for the gang bang
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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