Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
