Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
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I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
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The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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