The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
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failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
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We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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