stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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