My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
